I had lunch with Samantha and Gil today. When I said that a person’s career is a large factor in my decision to be in a committed relationship, that struck a discordant chord on their strings of sensibility.
Specifically, I said that if I was a management consultant, I wouldn’t marry a P.E. teacher. I understand to many, that not only sounds snobbish, but antediluvian, like the caste system of the Hindu culture. Why would anyone consider a person’s career before loving him/her? Isn’t he a bit snooty to discount any woman who doesn’t have some high-power job?
I am neither an advocate of the caste system nor am I snobbish. The Western culture brainwashes all of us to believe that the fast and furious passion love-style (Eros) is the only way to love romantically. Ironically, at the same time, people feel that love rooted in friendship is the best kind of love for a long-term commitment. Love that is rooted in passion (i..e, physical attraction) is likely just a short-term fling. Good friends become good lovers because there is an established ease in communication. There are common values, beliefs and interests. Men and women who become good friends are good friends because they can talk freely about problems and ideas. Stronger friendships are a result from survived conflicts. How is this different than what I proposed? It is the same difference that exists between the storge and pragma styles of love.
The pragma love style is a calculating storge style. For instance, career, philosophy towards raising children, religion (if any), money management, and family background are a few of my considerations. Storgic lovers might think about these compatibilities from time to time in their relationship, but they do not list those considerations as criteria prior to a commitment. The fact that I (and other pragmatic lovers, for that matter) do makes me more calculating. As Gil says, “That pragma style is so goal-oriented.” Yes, I calculate and strategize a lot. I am goal-oriented. That is why the pragma love style suits me better than other styles.
However, like I said before, “there is no guarantee that I will keep to my pragma love style.”